


requiem of youth

by bebopesque



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Study, I Don't Even Know, KinKuni Best Friend Agenda, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self-Destruction, Unrequited Love, mention of drowning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29180127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bebopesque/pseuds/bebopesque
Summary: "and i want a love that falls as fast as a body from the balcony, and i want a kiss like my heart is hitting the groundi'm holding my breath with a baseball bat though i don't know what i'm waiting for" - townie by mitski- a story about youth and one's tendency to self-destruct from the point of view of kunimi akira
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Kunimi Akira, Kindaichi Yuutarou & Kunimi Akira, Kunimi Akira & Oikawa Tooru, Kunimi Akira/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7
Collections: Haikyuu Writer Jukebox Round One - Mitski





	requiem of youth

**Author's Note:**

>   * written as part of haikyuu writer jukebox round one
>   * song recommendation of the day is [confutatis maledictis by w.a. mozart](https://open.spotify.com/track/2f337ogQqpMqkK9bzR9ETe?si=bg2YQeN9RSyFZo99PVqtwg)
>   * please check the end notes for more songs to listen during each scene.
> 


For as long as Akira can remember, his life has been a series of being able to obtain whatever it is his heart desires without having to put in as much effort as everyone else. When he was in kindergarten, his grandmother read his fortune and told him that he resembles a prospering giant tree that is surrounded by an overflowing river and received a fortunate amount of sunlight. In short, he is born blessed beyond measure.

Akira doesn’t fully understand what his grandmother meant until some times later. At one point in his life, he remembered watching one of his teachers play a song from his favorite TV show during music lesson. He thought of how beautiful it sounded and wondered if he was able to replicate the sound. The next day, he found himself being able to play the song using the same piano that his teacher used the day before. Somehow, his teacher and friends seem to think that he has managed to achieve something so incredible beyond measure, yet Akira himself doesn’t understand why nor does he think that what he accomplished is that great. Nevertheless, he found himself feeling warm inside over hearing the cheers and applause he received.

When his parents asked him about his day during dinner time, he told them about his story with the piano and was subjected to the same kind of response from his parents and sister. When his mother asked if he could show them his play using the piano at the living room, Akira simply nodded his head and followed along with the request. Once he’s done, his parents and sister clapped at him and Akira felt the same kind of warmth all over again.

The next time Akira played piano in front of a crowd, he was on stage and wearing the fanciest clothes a kid like him could imagine. The audiences gave him the loudest cheer he ever heard in his young life, his parents’ fellow musician friends called him a prodigy, his sister gave him the biggest hug, and his parents told him of how proud they were of him. That was how it started for both his pianist career as well as Akira’s understanding of his grandmother’s words. He wasn’t someone that was meant to be subjected to a series of hard work to obtain whatever it is he wants, rather he’s someone that will easily get anything he wants without having to put all of his efforts into it.

That is how Kunimi Akira, at the mere age of six years old, came to understand his value and role in the world.

  
  


Akira was in fifth grade when he realized that he no longer felt the same kind of warmth or even excitement that he once felt after he finished playing the piano. If he were to go by the amount of cheers he received after every successful performance or the number of awards he won, his skill is still great enough for him to be deemed as a prodigy. Yet he no longer felt satisfied by it.

His sister was the first person he told about his feelings. The two of them have finished their regular weekend practice and are currently lounging in the backyard when Akira first brought up the topic. He told her about how he no longer felt the same kind of excitement he once felt after every performance and she told him that it’s normal for one to be bored of something, especially after they have achieved as much as he did. When he asked her if she ever felt the same way about piano since she has been playing the instrument much longer than he did, she simply said,

“Of course. Why do you think I’ve been playing violin and cello on the side lately?”

“Will you stop playing the piano then?”

His sister shook his head. “Of course not. Maybe I’ll pick up the piano again in the future but right now, there’s nothing wrong from trying out as many new things as possible.”

“What if you tried out something that is not related to music then?” he asked again.

“I’d say it’s good to try anything once,” his sister stated, taking a sip from her can of coke before adding, “In any case, you’re still young. You’re not supposed to be able to figure everything out at your age. It’s good to try new things here and there and it’s normal to be bored of things you were once passionate about. Changes are part of growing up.”

Akira would only come to realize later in life just how dangerous it is for him to normalize his act of pleasure seeking as a way to satisfy his boredom.

* * *

Spring came in the form of Oikawa Tooru and the jump float he performed the first time Akira stepped his foot inside the old gymnasium of Kitagawa Daiichi Middle School. At that time, he was there mainly to get Kindaichi off his back about trying out for the volleyball club before making his way back to the go-home club. After-school piano lessons and recitals consumed most of his time back in elementary and, as bored as he is of his routine, he is sure that nothing will change. At least that’s what he thought before he saw Oikawa Tooru.

“You have good control of your hand,” Oikawa told him after Akira spiked another ball.

“Thank you. I practiced a lot,” Akira replied, taking Oikawa’s facial features into view. Brown eyes, brown hair, soft jawline; a beauty through and through.

“Oh, volleyball?”

Akira shook his head before uttering, “Piano,” and making his way towards the bench. As he took a seat next to Kindaichi, he felt a slight relief that his friend seemed to understand what he wanted to say without having to sound it out loud.

The sun already sets in the horizon when the tryout is over and Akira, along with several other first-years, are deemed good enough to join the volleyball club. As expected, Kindaichi took extreme pleasure in their successful tryout while Akira found himself trying to concoct an excuse to give to his parents as the two of them made their way back to their respective houses. To his surprise, both his parents and sister easily accepted the fact that he joined the volleyball club.

“You’re more than qualified to not have a daily practice, son. It’s also good for you to socialize and exercise,” was his father’s response when Akira first dropped the news in the middle of their family dinner.

“Don’t athletes have to take care of their physiques as well? I’m sure you will be fine, sweetheart,” was his mother’s response when Akira asked if there’s any concerns regarding the potential injuries he and his hands might face.

“At the end of the day, we just want you to be happy,” said his father after Akira asked him if it would be alright if, in the near future, Akira would drop piano completely.

“There’s no such thing as a waste of knowledge. Like your father said, we just want you to be happy. Be it from piano, volleyball, or something else entirely, we know you’ll always do well in it,” said his mother after Akira asked whether dropping piano completely would mean that he has been wasting his time learning it in the first place.

The smiles on both of his parents’ faces convinced Akira that the words are more than just lip services. Both of them, along with his sister, aren’t angry or disappointed at him like he expected them to be. Instead, they were both fully supportive of him and what he thought to be his first act of youth rebellion. A failed act of rebellion.

Later that night, as he lay down on his bed, Akira realized that he could never rebel against an expectation that was never put on him in the first place. On one hand, he’s relieved that there would be no changes in terms of the love he received from his family. On the other hand, he can’t help but feel empty, void of all purposes.

  
  


Akira’s early fascination with Oikawa Tooru didn’t stop after the tryouts and the latter’s physical beauty. Had that been the reasons, he would have stopped attending the club practices after a week or so. No, his fascination for Oikawa stemmed from Oikawa’s skill, be it as a volleyball player and a captain, or at least that’s the reasoning that Akira managed to convince himself with.

“You have good control of your hand but you lack in stamina,” Oikawa told him during a one-on-one practice session.

“My apologies,” Akira replied, unsure on how to respond to that.

“Don’t be. We can always use that to our advantage.”

This piqued Akira’s interest. “How?”

Oikawa smiles before saying, “Efficiency is the key here. If you’re willing to, I’d like for you to be efficient when it comes to conserving your energy.”

The older boy proceeded to continue with his strategy explanation. It’s a good strategy and Akira made sure to let Oikawa be aware of his opinion of it. Somehow, it wasn’t the strategy itself that caught his attention, rather it was the fact that Oikawa asked for his opinion on it as well. He made sure that what he had in mind is something that Akira is willing to do, not something he is forced to, and Akira appreciates that.

Every new skill requires a good amount of practice in order for one to achieve their desired results and so with Oikawa’s strategy proposal being accepted by Akira, the latter is also subjected to an even more intense practice session. While he is used to having his time consumed with piano practices, volleyball practices required more efforts from his side and more stamina. In short, it goes against his own life principle where he never has to put 100% of his effort into anything. Truth be told, he would have called it quits a long time ago if it wasn’t for the smile that Oikawa gave him after every successful spike or during break times. The same Oikawa who always asked him if the toss he sent to Akira was good enough, who brought extra water bottles for him, and who always called for a break before Akira even requested one.

“You’re surprisingly diligent,” Kindaichi told him. “I wouldn’t expect you to want to attend extra practices with Oikawa-san.”

“I’m surprised as well,” Akira replied.

“He’s pretty great though and I’m not talking about his skills,” Kindaichi paused to take a bite out of his ice cream before continuing, “It’s like he knows exactly how to maximise everyone’s potentials.”

“He is pretty great,” Akira repeated Kindaichi’s earlier words in agreement.

“I overheard him talking about having a strategy between the two of you. Care to tell me about it?”

“It would ruin the surprise.”

“Of course you’d say that.”

Akira wasn’t able to showcase the aforementioned strategy in front of Kindaichi, or the rest of the team for that matter, until their first match with Chidoriyama Junior High. Just before the last set, his captain tapped his shoulder to ask him if he’s in a good condition for them to perform their rehearsed-to-the-death strategy. Akira, of course, nodded his head as an answer to the question.

“Let’s do this,” Oikawa said before giving Akira a light tap on his back and entering the court.

As per their predictions, the other team has run out of fuel which caused their movements to be a bit sluggish. It didn’t take long for Kitagawa Daiichi to score the last point needed to win the match. As he watched the rest of his teammates cheer in excitement, Akira let out a relieved sigh. Everything has gone as he has expected.

Everything except for the moment where Oikawa pulled Akira and Akira alone into a hug.

“I told you we can do it!” the older boy told him, “I’m so proud of you, Kunimi-chan!”

The hug was warm and Akira wished he could stay in that moment forever. He wanted nothing more than to bask in that warm feeling but Oikawa was quick to let go. It wasn’t until they all made their way back to their respective houses that Akira realized a very important thing; that whatever feelings he used to have back when he was chasing the high from music has now returned in the shape of Oikawa Tooru. Volleyball practices and matches are merely channels, passages for him to achieve his end-goal and that is the warmth radiated from Oikawa Tooru.

The rest of his middle school years went by without him paying much attention to it. Volleyball practices and matches don't really interest him once Oikawa and the other third years graduated, yet he found himself unable to find a good reason to not attend practices. Maybe it’s the thought that if he maintained this routine, if he managed to maintain or even improve his volleyball performance, then he would be able to meet the older boy again.

“You’re not going to try out for Shiratorizawa?” Akira remembered asking Kindaichi as the two of them made their way back home after yet another practice.

His friend shook his head. “My first choice has always been Aoba Johsai,” his friend said before adding, “What about you? Have you made up your mind about that music school in Tokyo?”

“I’m not going to Tokyo.”

“Okay, then where are you going?”

“Same as you. Aoba Johsai.”

Kindaichi laughed in response. “I can’t believe I’ll be stuck with you again.”

“How long has it been now? Since third grade?” Akira snickered in return.

“Feels longer,” his friend mused. “You know, I always thought you’ll end up as a pianist or, at the very least, working in a field related to music.”

For a while, the two of them walked in silence as Akira contemplated on his friend’s words. Truth be told, he hasn’t been playing the piano for the purpose of recital or even mere practice in a while. Not since he became more and more absorbed by volleyball and, to an extent, Oikawa Tooru. After a while, he said, 

“I guess I have a new goal now.”

Kindaichi doesn’t bother asking what this new goal of his is. Maybe he already knows, maybe he has always been able to sense the tension between Oikawa and Akira, or maybe he’s just kind enough to not pry into Akira’s private lives despite their closeness. Whatever the reason is, at that moment, Akira found himself appreciating his friend’s existence more and more.

  
  


The reunion between Akira and Oikawa Tooru took place in a similar setting as when he first met the older boy. Once again, he was entranced by the jump float that Oikawa performed as Kindaichi and he walked into the Aoba Johsai gymnasium. The two of them lined up along with other first years who came in for the try outs and it didn’t take long for both Oikawa and Iwaizumi to notice both Kindaichi and him.

“My children!” Oikawa said before pulling both Kindaichi and Akira into a hug. It didn’t last long but it was enough for Akira to miss the warm touch as Oikawa let him go.

“Be professional, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi said as Oikawa made his way back to stand next to him.

The rest of the try out session went in a similar manner as when Akira first tried out back in the old gymnasium of Kitagawa Daiichi. It didn’t take long for the other second and third year players as well as the coaches to realize that both Kindaichi and he are better than the other first years. However, it wasn’t until they were all split up for a usual one-on-one session that Oikawa requested for both Kindaichi and Akira to practice with the starters.

“Hope you haven’t forgotten our old strategy, Kunimi-chan,” Oikawa said when Akira made his way towards him.

Akira shook his head. How could he forget the same thing that has been occupying his mind since the first time Oikawa told him about it? How is he supposed to forget the one thing that he has been longing for ever since Oikawa graduated?

“Let’s start with some easy sets, okay? Let me know if my tosses are good enough or not,” the older boy explained before he started the practice session.

Practice sessions with Oikawa remained as grueling as it was but Akira saw no reasons to complain or put it to stop. For one, Oikawa is still the same understanding and cooperative captain as he was back in middle school. He’s still the same Oikawa who often talked to Akira outside of practice sessions, still the same Oikawa who took care of him both in and out of the court. In short, it was a paradise for Akira and he found himself enjoying the attention he received, both from Oikawa and his many jealous admirers.

“You looked happier these days,” Kindaichi told him once when the two of them laid down on the gymnasium floor after another round of grueling practice sessions with the other starters.

“Do I?”

“You seem to enjoy practice more.”

Akira shrugged. “It’s not hard to do if you have a good team member around.”

“And here I thought you’re just excited for Interhigh.”

When he received no answer, Kindaichi proceeded to jab his friend lightly in the ribs.

“You’re awful,” Akira muttered as he rubbed his sides. “That wasn’t even a question.”

“Okay, let me paraphrase it then. Are you or are you not excited for Interhigh?”

“Are you?”

“I asked you first.”

“I asked you second.”

“Kunimi.”

“Yuutarou.”

“Oh now we’re on a first name basis,” Yuutarou muttered. “Of course I’m excited for Interhigh. It’s hard not to when everyone else seems to be and I do think we have a good shot at going to Nationals with our current lineup.”

“I get that.”

“What do you get?”

“The shared excitement,” Akira said, before straightening himself up so both Yuutarou and him are now sitting down and leaning against the gym wall.

His friend smiles as he puts his arm around Akira. “And here I thought you’re only enjoying practice because you get to spend more time with our beloved seniors and your best friend.”

“Who is my best friend in this scenario?”

“Who else has willingly put up with you for the past years other than me?”

Before Akira can agree to his best friend’s statement, his eyes caught both Oikawa and Iwaizumi walking towards them.

“Sorry to break the love fest here but it’s time to get back to practice, kids,” Oikawa said before offering his stretched out hand to Akira. “Ready, Kunimi-chan?”

Akira smiles as he takes Oikawa’s hand. “Always.”

  
  


All good things must come to an end is a concept that Akira have come to terms to for a long time. Yet, when the referees signalled the end of the match and Karasuno was named as the winner, Akira found himself unable to accept the fact that he had to say goodbye to his time with Oikawa, his paradise and only solace in the world. When Yuutarou asked him if he were to join the other members to eat ramen together, Akira excused himself. It wasn’t a hard thing to do and his friend didn’t ask any questions as he made his way back home by himself.

Later that night, as he lay down on his bed, he found himself thinking about the match again. Even after the many, many practice sessions and countless practice matches he attended, he still couldn’t find it in himself to care that much about Nationals or even volleyball in general. Still, he wasn’t lying when he told Yuutarou that he does understand the shared excitement between the team members. It’s by the power of shared excitement alone that Akira pulled through all of the intense practice sessions with Oikawa because being with the older boy excites him.

It is why the fact that, after today, he has to say goodbye to his time with Oikawa together is so hard for him to accept. Akira cried himself to sleep that night and woke up feeling devoid of any sort of warmth.

* * *

Oikawa graduated the next spring and left the country not too long after that, leaving a purposeless Akira behind. For the first time in his life, he no longer has anything to chase for in his life. Both piano and music has long escaped his mind and with no Oikawa around, Akira was surprised that he still has the will to attend volleyball practices. Maybe he has learned to accept the life routine that he was subjected to, maybe he just doesn’t want to leave Yuutarou alone, or maybe it was a combination of both. Either way, volleyball seems to serve as a channel for him to meet people with a similar frequency as Oikawa Tooru. People like Kageyama Tobio for example.

After the success of the previous training camp, all of the Miyagi high school volleyball teams decided to hold a joint summer training camp with the Shiratorizawa academy as the host. That is how Akira found himself lying down and resting underneath a tree with Yuutarou, Goshiki, and Hinata after the practice session was over, or at least that’s what he thought he was doing. He was sure that he had been laying down in the middle of Goshiki and Yuutarou and yet when he opened his eyes, neither one of them were by his side. Instead, he was greeted with a sight of Kageyama Tobio’s piercing blue eyes.

“Hi,” Akira said, still unsure on how to respond to the situation and confused about the whereabouts of his friends. “Where are the others?”

“In the gym,” Kageyama is quick to answer his question.

“Is it dinner time already?”

“No.”

Akira wrinkled his eyebrows. “Then why did they leave me- you know what? I’m going to kick Yuutarou’s ass myself.”

However, just as he was about to stand up and make his way towards the gym building, he felt the sleeve of his shirt being lightly tugged.

“Can we talk please?” Kageyama spoke in a tone that reminded Akira of the time Yuutarou pleaded for him to let Marshal move into his New Leaf town.

“Sure,” Akira replied, thinking that whatever it is that Kageyama would like to talk about must be the reason behind Yuutarou, Goshiki, and Hinata’s actions to leave him.

Truth be told, even after they have managed to patch their relationship, Akira always sees Kageyama as a friend of Yuutarou instead of his own friend. It’s not like he purposely avoided the boy, it’s just that he’s not sure they have anything in common to talk about in the first place apart from their shared connection with the former members of the Kitagawa Daiichi volleyball team members. Even at the moment, he half expected Kageyama to talk about Oikawa Tooru or even a belated birthday surprise for Yuutarou. What he gets instead is a full-blown love confession and a dating proposal from Kageyama.

“Are you serious?” was Akira’s first response after a few moments of silence.

“Do I look like someone who might joke about this kind of thing?” Kageyama replied and Akira didn’t miss the blush on the other boy’s cheeks and the way he tried his best to hide his face from Akira.

In all honesty, Akira finds it hard to believe Kageyama’s confession. How could he when they barely know each other? On top of that, how was he supposed to return said love when all he knows about loving someone comes in the form of another setter with brown hair and brown eyes?

Perhaps able to understand and take Akira’s silence as a confusion rather than rejection, Kageyama said,

“You don’t have to give me your answer now. I’m sorry, it must be confusing for you.”

“It’s fine,” Akira muttered as the two of them made their way back to the gym building.

That night, as he laid down on his futon, Akira found himself thinking back about his relationship with Oikawa Tooru and Kageyama’s confession. He would be lying if he said he didn’t miss the warmth feelings that Oikawa always seems to radiate, the same kind of warmth that Akira wasn’t sure he would be able to receive from Kageyama. At the same time, he missed the feeling of being adored and wanted by someone other than his family and close friend. He missed the attention he used to receive from Oikawa and his jealous admirers, the same kind of attention that he used to receive in the past from the audiences of his piano performances.

And then it hit him. Should he accept Kageyama’s love, he would not only be subjected to attention and constant adoration from him alone, he’d also receive attention from Kageyama’s legion of fans. In short, Akira would be able to get his old life back, the life where he was the center of everyone’s attention.

Kageyama doesn’t give off the same kind of warmth as Oikawa, even when he pulled Akira into a hug after the latter accepted his dating proposal, but Akira doesn’t care. He accepted the love he knows he doesn’t deserve because he realized that he can just let the guilt of never being able to return Kageyama’s love consumed him. It’s an act of self-destruction that both disgusts and excites him. It’s such an easy act too because when Kageyama holds his hands, Akira can imagine that the hand he’s holding is Oikawa’s and that the kisses and touches he received is from Oikawa.

  
  


High school ended in a blink of an eye and Akira, along with Kageyama and Yuutarou, decided to move to Tokyo after graduation. Both Yuutarou and him earned the privilege to pursue a higher education at the best university that their country can offer, while Kageyama will start his career as a pro-volleyball player. If Akira were to be perfectly honest with himself, he doesn’t have much consideration when it comes to selecting his first choice of university and its required major. He’s not someone like his sister, who is consistent with her musical career path to the point of pursuing a Masters degree in classical music while also being a member of the Tokyo Metropolitan Symphony Orchestra, or someone like Yuutarou, who chose his first choice of university because it has the best volleyball team compared to other universities. Instead, Akira chose his current university and major based on how desirable it is and how much people would envy him should they ask him about his current study.

“You’re going to destroy yourself at this point,” Yuutarou once told him after he witnessed Akira’s study routine, which involved two packs of cigarettes and countless cups of coffee.

“Maybe I want to,” Akira replied in a sing-song tone. Had he said it to anyone other than Yuutarou, they would have just shrugged it off as a joke but his best friend knew better than to ignore it.

“Why are you studying so hard anyway? You’ve always got excellent grades even without trying too much and I know you’ll most likely get into the Dean’s List soon so what’s going on here?”

“Isn’t it a student’s duty to study in the first place?” Akira replied with a smile on his face that signalled his desire to end the conversation and for Yuutarou to drop the subject.

Later that night, he found himself thinking about Yuutarou’s words and question. Truthfully, when Akira first entered university, he thought that it would be a good outlet for him to destroy himself once and for all. Sadly, his need for constant adoration and desire to always have the best thing in life gets the better of him. It didn’t take long for him to achieve both in the form of his more-than-excellent grades and adoration from his lecturers and classmates. So Akira has both a God-complex and a tendency to destroy himself and it’s only a matter of time until one of them finally destroys him.

  
  


When Akira graduated university with the best grade one could possibly have, none of his family and friends were surprised at that point. The same thing happened when he told them the news that he was recruited to one of the best companies a fresh graduate could possibly hope for. His parents, sister, and close friends are all proud of him, his former classmates envied him, and his long-time celebrity athlete of a boyfriend adored him. To sum it all up, Akira has the perfect life.

Sadly, human beings are never satisfied with perfection and Akira is not the exception. He knows that he won’t be satisfied with his life until he can finally obtain what he wants, what he has been chasing for since his middle school days. No one needs to know just how often he checked fan forums and accounts dedicated to Oikawa Tooru or how often it is for him to wonder if he should text the other boy first or take a one-way flight to Argentina.

“How is your relationship with Kageyama?” Yuutarou asked him once when Akira visited Saitama for a business trip.

“We’re still together.”

“Could have fooled me,” his friend muttered before taking a sip of his drink. “Thought you guys would, I don’t know, called it quits since he’s going to move overseas soon.”

“What are you talking about? We’re still very much in love with one another.”

Yuutarou rolled his eyes upon hearing Akira’s words. “Not in love enough to call him by his first name.”

“You shouldn’t measure a relationship just by that.”

“You called _me_ , out of all people, by my first name.”

“That doesn’t prove anything.”

“If you say so,” Yuutarou mumbled before changing the topic.

Akira wasn’t lying when he told his friend that calling someone by their first name is not a good indicator to measure a relationship. After all, despite the stark difference between his feelings for Kageyama and Oikawa, he called neither one of them by their first name, not even in his mind. To call someone by their first name is another form of trust and intimacy that Akira is not sure he is ready to share with either of them.

  
  


Kageyama left the country in the summer of 2019 but not before asking for Akira to wait for him. Akira, of course, said yes to the proposition because he’d rather let himself be consumed and destroyed by the guilt of never being able to return Kageyama’s love than to be left alone with his thoughts and desire to obtain something, or someone, that he can never have. It was a good decision as well because the ring given to him also gave him an excuse to feel powerful every time he rejected all of the flirting attempts thrown at him anywhere he goes. It inflated his ego and made him feel good.

“Does this count as cheating?” Yuutarou asked as he watched Akira being offered a free drink from a stranger at the bar.

“Of course not,” Akira replied, smiling after taking a sip from the free drink. “I would never betray my boyfriend like that.”

There are some truths in his words of course. Akira would never betray or even hurt Kageyama any more than he already did by never being able to return his love. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy the feeling of ecstasy from being wanted and the high from being the one to deliver the rejections.

“Be careful not to burn yourself out, Akira,” Yuutarou told him before he boarded his train back to Saitama. Akira smiles as he pulled his best friend into a hug and said,

“I will.”

* * *

“You remind me a lot of Mozart,” Akira’s older sister told him.

At the moment, the two of them are having dinner at her Tokyo apartment after she arrived from yet another successful overseas performance. Still maintaining his focus on the tangerine in hand, Akira asked,

“Is it because of my talent?”

His sister snorted in response. “Confident are we.”

“Well, I failed to find any other resemblance between him and me,” he replied before shifting his gaze to his sister. “Why then?”

“Have you ever looked up stories about him? You used to perform a lot of his pieces.”

“The last time I performed was back in middle school,” Akira said, reminding his sister. “As for your question, the answer is no.”

His sister took a sip from her cup of tea before saying,

“Well, I would say that you do have a natural talent like him but you both also have the tendency to self-destruct.”

Akira raised his eyebrow. “What do you mean by that?”

“I think you know what I mean.”

If his sister’s words occupied his mind for the remainder of his days, Akira didn’t tell her about it.

* * *

When he first received the message notification of an impromptu Aoba Johsai volleyball club reunion at Hanamaki’s fancy Tokyo penthouse, Akira paid the news no mind. It wasn’t until he had time to properly assess the news during his break time that he realized just how fortunate the timing is. Oikawa Tooru is back in Japan at the same time when Akira’s desire to self-destruct is at an all-time high. Who is he to not use the opportunity to perform his piece in front of an audience as charming as Oikawa Tooru?

“Your alcohol tolerance is concerning,” Yuutarou muttered to him as the two of them lounged at one of the fancy sofas at their senior’s penthouse.

Somehow, despite the sudden notice, every single member of the old volleyball team managed to fit their schedule to attend the celebration. Maybe it was the fact that almost all of them haven’t seen Oikawa in a while, maybe it was the fortunate timing that the reunion is held on a Saturday despite the impromptu part of it, or maybe it was a combination of both. Either way, Akira soon found himself being one of the remaining attendees who is still awake. Once he had gently removed Kindaichi from his lap, he made his way towards his target, towards Oikawa Tooru.

“Kunimi-chan, you’re still awake?” was how Oikawa greeted him as Akira took a seat next to him by the pool.

“Don’t stare at me too much, Kunimi-chan. You might fall in love and we can’t have that now can we?”

Oikawa’s words took him by surprise as Akira had not realized that he had been staring. In all honesty, how could he? When someone as beautiful and charming as Oikawa is sitting by your side, it is almost expected for one to shift their entire focus to him and him alone. Still, Akira is nothing short of a master of dodging.

“What are you implying here, Oikawa-san?”

“That ring on your finger is from Tobio-chan, right?”

At the mention of Kageyama’s name, Akira feels as if he had just found himself at the bottom of the pool in front of him.

“Yes.”

“I’m happy to see my two favorite juniors getting along,” Oikawa said as he put his arm around Akira’s shoulder, fully unaware of the effect it has on a semi-intoxicated Akira. He can’t help but think what would happen if he, somehow, forgot to wear his ring at that time. Would he dare put his arms and lips on Oikawa Tooru, as he has imagined many, many times? Or would Oikawa himself make the first move?

Before Akira can say or do anything, however, Oikawa is quick to say,

“I’m proud of you, Kunimi-chan.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I know how easy it is for one to follow a path that is easy for them to take, like me with volleyball for example. You are fortunate enough to have two easy paths to choose from, piano - don’t give me that look! Of course I know how good you are with piano!” Oikawa said, laughing as he watched the surprised expression painted on Akira’s face, before he continues,

“Where was I? Ah yes, piano and volleyball, and yet here you are. You’ve managed to find your own path in the world, one that is not connected to anyone else in your life. I know that must not be easy for you but still, I’m proud of the person you’ve become. Good job, Kunimi-chan.”

Upon hearing those words, something in Akira suddenly clicked. In his silence as he watched the way the night lights reflected on the pool water, he found himself realizing that he had wasted his life chasing for Oikawa Tooru when the man himself had always been there for him. It was him who never returned Oikawa’s warmth or calls or texts. Akira has spent his life convincing himself that he has a God complex when in reality, all he does is victimize himself. To top it all off, he managed to somehow drag an unwilling victim in the shape of Kageyama Tobio along with him.

Akira downed whatever remained from the bottle he had in hand. He felt ill and he wasn’t sure if it’s from the alcohol or the sudden realization of how awful he is as a person. Standing up has never been such a hard task to be done but he soon found himself unable to balance his body.

The last thing Akira saw before his world turned black is Oikawa Tooru’s face and the smell of calcium hypochlorite in the water.

* * *

When Akira opened his eyes, the world was quiet and everything is white. He blinked once, twice, before realizing that he has been staring at the white ceiling for a while. Slowly, he raised both of his hands in a feeble attempt to wake himself up only to realize that his left hand is connected to an IV tube. Shocked and confused, he turned to his right only to be greeted with a sight of a sleeping Kageyama on a chair next to his bed. His hospital bed since, apparently, he managed to land himself in the hospital.

He found himself staring back at the white ceiling before closing his eyes. There are too many questions running through his head at the same time. How long has he been out? Where are the other attendees of the reunion? Were they the one who brought him to the hospital in the first place? How severe is his injury that an IV tube is required for him? Why is Kageyama, who is supposed to be somewhere in Rome, sitting in what he presumed to be a Tokyo hospital?

The rustling sound he made on his bed must have awakened the other party in the room because the first thing he saw as he opened his eyes and turned to his right again is Kageyama’s face. He looks both relieved and tired and Akira doesn’t miss the eyebags under his eyes.

“You’re awake,” was the first thing that Kageyama said to him and Akira almost laughed at how awkward it sounded.

“So are you,” he replied. “How are you here? _Why_ are you here?”

“I just arrived last night,” Kageyama said before taking Akira’s right hand into his. “It was meant as a surprise for you but I guess I was the one who was surprised in the end.”

“Why do you want to surprise me?”

He was about to add that, had Kageyama told him that he would be coming home on the same day as the Aoba Johsai reunion, Akira would have asked if he needs a pickup from the airport. However, he decided against saying it in the end since that would be a lie and before the reunion happened, Akira was sure he would have chosen to meet Oikawa instead of picking up his supposed boyfriend. Secretly, he was relieved that Kageyama’s visit was meant as a surprise.

His boyfriend smiled as his hand pushed several hair strands that covered Akira’s eyes. “You don’t want to know why you are here?”

“I know why I’m here. I don’t know why _you_ are here.”

As if waiting for a cue to start his story, Kageyama begins retelling his experience of the last 12 hours or so. It began with him arriving at their dark and empty apartment with no Akira in sight. After several failed attempts to reach out to Akira’s phone, he left his phone for a while to clean and freshen himself up only to return to several missed calls from Oikawa. Kageyama’s next course of actions involved him calling Oikawa back and receiving the news of Akira being hospitalized due to accidental drowning.

“And that’s how we are both here,” he ended his explanation before pressing a light kiss on Akira’s forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Akira muttered, leaving out the detail that the feeling he’s currently experiencing applied to both his physical and mental state. He let out a sigh before saying, “Earlier, you mentioned something about wanting to surprise me. What do you mean by that?” 

In a feeble attempt to hide the creeping blushes on his cheek, Kageyama turned his face away from Akira’s line of view. “It’s embarrassing. You would hate it anyway.”

“Try me.”

“It was- God, it’s embarrassing. I can’t say it,” Kageyama said as he buried his face in his free hand, the one that isn’t holding on to Akira’s hand.

“Then don’t,” Akira muttered as he closed his eyes. His body is still tired and he wonders if he should have called the doctor or nurses before having this kind of conversation with his boyfriend.

Just when he was about to ask Kageyama to call the doctor, he felt the weight of an object being placed on his palm. Confused, he turned to his left and was stunned at the sight that awaits him. There, in the palm of his hand, rest a small velvet box. It’s unopened but he doesn’t have to be a genius to be able to guess the content of the box.

“What are you-”

“I love you,” Kageyama cuts him off and Akira found himself staring at the deep blue abyss of Kageyama’s eyes. “All my life, I am both in love and in awe with you. I know this last year has been tough for the both of us, what with the distance and all, but it also made me realize what home truly means to me.”

“Which is?”

“You,” Kageyama said before taking the box from the palm of Akira’s hand to open it and show its content. “It’s always been you and it’s always going to be you.”

Silence fell between them and Akira found himself staring at the ring. It’s a simple one and there’s almost no difference between it and the promise ring that Kageyama gave him before he left the country, yet the emotional weight that the new ring carries is enough to tire him out. He could never understand what Kageyama sees in him. How can Kageyama be so sure with him when Akira himself isn’t sure of, well, himself? How is it possible for someone to love him more than he can love himself?

“Your hand,” Akira said as he reached out for Kageyama’s hand. Once he held on to it, he proceeded with his question. “What would you do if I say yes?”

“Then I need to call my parents and yours,” was Kageyama’s initial reply before he adds, “But are you okay with us living continents apart even after we’re, well, you know-”

Akira laughed. “Did you propose to me with the goal of being turned down then?”

“That’s not what I meant-”

“Please give me the ring,” he said before being handed the ring and placing it on his ring finger. “Did you know that the company that I worked in has a branch in Italy?”

“Akira, you don’t have to do that.”

“You’re right. I don’t have to do it,” Akira sighed before adding, “I want to do it.”

Blue eyes meet brown eyes as both of Kageyama’s hands are now holding on Akira’s free left hand. “I’ll be your home if you’ll be mine, Tobio.”

* * *

So Akira accepted Tobio’s proposal with a new goal in mind and that is he will be spending the rest of lives giving back the love that Tobio has given him since his first confession back in high school. The way he loves Tobio feels smaller and less consequential than what he had with Oikawa and he knows that no matter what he did, it will never be enough. Akira knows he’ll never be able to love Tobio as much as Tobio loves him but he will try. It’s another round of chasing for him and he’ll probably need to give it his all but the knowledge of the much lower stakes and better prize is enough to keep him going.

**Author's Note:**

> some points of influence:
> 
>   * [thought processes & notes](https://bobaheroine.tumblr.com/post/644669548585467905/requiem-of-youth-thought-processes-notes) | [unfinished/deleted scenes](https://bobaheroine.tumblr.com/post/644664838096846848/notes-requiem-of-youth)
>   * [analysis on mozart's requiem confutatis](https://people.uwec.edu/walkerjs/mathematicsandmusic/Nav/PDFfiles/Analysis%20of%20Mozart%20Confutatis.pdf)
>   * [the song in question](https://open.spotify.com/track/2f337ogQqpMqkK9bzR9ETe?si=bg2YQeN9RSyFZo99PVqtwg)
>   * [song to listen to during the pool scene](https://open.spotify.com/track/3t844ssjXzE9M3SDtUxTI4?si=zl1t7iw8QUOLYIUfe-UI0A)
> 

> 
> thank you for reading. as always, don't be shy to leave a kudo or comment.  
>  feel free to interact with me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/bobaheroine) as well or send a question through [my tumblr ask (sorry no cc here)](https://bobaheroine.tumblr.com/ask).


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